Mental Health

Mental Health Section 136, 2 detainments (place of ‘safety’),  hospital admission and discharges..

This is an incomplete list of detainments between 2014 – 2015 which have in process alone taken six months of my life away.

  • Lambeth Hospital (South western), Stockwell, London – Section 2 patient – (Over night stay) – Discharged Homeless.
  • Whittington Hospital, Highgate, London – Place of Safety – Section 136 Assessment (1 hour)
  • Royal Free Hospital, Belsize Park, London – Place of Safety – 3x Section 136 Assessments (3-5 hours).
  • Highgate Mental Health Centre, Highgate, London – Informal patient – Two admissions – Amber Ward (1 month) and Sapphire Ward (4 days) – Discharged Homeless.
  • St Marys Hospital, Paddington, London – Place of Safety – Section 136 Assessment (3 hour).
  • Oxford Police Station – Place of Safety – 2x Section 136 Assessments 6-8 hours.
  • Littlemore, Oxford – Place of Safety – 5x Section 136 Assessments..
  • Melksham Police Station – Place of Safety – (tortured: punched in face and stripped, handcuffed wrists so swollen I was taken by police to A&E in morning to have them xrayed. Transferred to Green Lane 136 Unit, Devizes.
  • Green Lane, Devizes, Wiltshire – Informal patient – Two admissions – Imber Ward (2x 2 week stays) – Discharged Homeless.
  • Sandalwood, Swindon, Wiltshire – Place of Safety – 2x Section 136 Assessments (8 hours).
  • Southmead Hospital, Bristol – Section 2 patient – Weston Ward (2 weeks) – Discharged Homeless.
  • St Anns Hospital, Poole, Dorset – Section 2 patient – Tribunal – Merley Ward (2 weeks) Dudsbury Ward (1 Week) Discharged Homeless.
  • Wrexham Hospital, Slough – Place of Safety – Section 136 Assessment (5 hours).
  • Prospect Park Hospital, Reading, Berkshire – Section 2 patient – Bluebell Ward (1 month) Discharged Homeless.
  • Springfield Hospital, Tooting, London – Place of Safety – x2 Section 136 Assessment (8-12 hours).
  • Trinity Suite, Field head, Wakefield – Place of Safety – Section 136 Assessment (3 hours) Given 1 night stay in hotel.
  • Cavell Centre, Peterborough – Place of Safety – Section 136 Assessment (3 hours) Oak Ward (Given one night stay).
  • Parklands Hospital, Basingstoke, Hampshire – Informal patient (2 weeks). & a section 136 assessment (46 hours) 20/7/14
  • Antelope House PICU, Southampton – Section 2 patient (3 days) informal patient Trinity Ward (1 day), discharged homeless.
  • Bradgate mental health unit, Glenfield, Leicester – Place of Safety – 2x Section 136 Assessment (2 hours and 2 weeks Bosworth Ward voluntary patient). 14/6/2013
  • Lincoln Country Hospital, Lincoln – Place of Safety – Section 136 Assessment (2 hours).
  • Priory Hospital Brighton – Place of Safety – Section 136 Assessment (5 hours).
  • Langley Green Hospital, Crawley – Place of Safety – Section 136 Assessment (4 hours).
  • Radbourne Unit, Derby Royal – 2x Place of Safety 136 Assessment (4-5 hours).
  • Park Royal Hospital, Wembley – Section 2 patient.
  • St Mary’s police station, Derby – void of human rights, stripped of clothes, ignored for 7 hours & left without food or water for 17 hours, head butted till blood caked cell door. Section 136 dropped. 27/7/2013
  • Campbell Unit, Milton Keynes – Place of safety Assessment (14 hours) 8/8/2013.
  • Aylesbury Police Station (stripped naked and tortured with asphyxiation) / Tinmore Mental Health Unit – Place of Safety – Section 136 assessment (30+ hours). 31/8/2013 – 2/9/2013
  • Ward B2 Bassetlaw Hospital, Worksop – Informal patient – 8 week admission, 18/3/2014
  • Highbury Hospital, Nottingham – Place of Safety – Transfer, Informal Patient – Section 5/4 & 5/2. Discharged homeless.
  • Saint Peters Hospital, Woking – Place of safety Assessment (20 hours) – threatened with anti-psychotic injection, phone SIM and SD card stolen – Section 136 dropped.
  • Epsom General Hospital – Place of safety Assessment (20 hours) – Section 136 dropped.
  • Becklin Centre (Leeds) – 4x Place of Safety Assessments (2-3 hours) – All Section 136 dropped.
  • Lewisham – 1x Place of Safety Assessment (6 hours) – Transfer to Bradage Unit, Leicester 10/5/2013
  • Police prosecuted with ‘criminal’ caution after suffering a huge anxiety attack on J23 M1 motorway bridge. Finger printed, DNA swabbed and had photo taken before released. 9/1/2014

Gender Identity Disorder

From as far back as I came remember I was indifferent, altercate from my assigned gender at birth. Between three and four years old my friends were female, I’d pick up dolls and distant myself from the company of males. My father displeased tried in every way to stop this, from banning me seeing my friends, shouting furiously at my female friends parents to purchasing overtly masculine toys that I had absolutely no interest in. As an effeminate child who subsequently wanted to please I eventually withdrew from myself and altered  from female activities, put on a male persona to avoid recurrent hidings.

I found the onset of puberty really disturbing and to alleviate this I began intoxicating myself as soon as I could get my hands on alcohol. This false character built up from living up to how people wished to perceive me persisted until my mid twenties until the falseness of jilted self perpetuated pretence became unbearable. I sought help from a local general practitioner  who referred me to a psychiatrist for assessment; after a forty minute consultation she referred me to Charing Cross gender identity clinic.

Gender dysphoria feels as though your soul is trapped inside a box of ill fitting corners; a persistent discomfort which heightens and elaborates when being stigmatised with impressions of male gender identity. My hands feel heavy and much to big as do my feet, my jaw line and cranium contours feel wrong, dig into my soul like an elbow in the ribs.

I’d written the above psychological symptoms down and then explained them to two gender consultant psychiatrists Barratt and Lorrimer who diagnosed me as suffering from Gender dysphoria / Gender Identity Disorder. In 2003 I gave up alcohol, quit smoking, changed my name, attire and gender role from male to female and alas began the process of gender reassignment with a two year long female role / life test (a medical stipulation that to I can function and live successfully in female role).  During this time I was medicated with Estradiol Valerate. I completed this ‘life test’ and was nearing a referral for gender reassignment surgery when I became traumatised from living on the streets. Four years later I re-established contact with a gender identity clinic in Nottingham

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

In all the years I was traumatised by my mothers gruelling illness I never once experienced any psychosomatic symptoms of PTSD. It was not until I came back from India did I become unwell from horrendous atrocities committed against me whilst sleeping on the streets. These included:

  • My radius bone (in the arm I blessed Hindu’s with) being kick broken in half after raising my arm to stop my face from being completely kicked in.
  • Deck chair smashed over my head whilst I attempt to sleep in a park.
  • Head being covered in excrement for hours because somebody had defecated in my sleeping place.
  • Seven youths take turns to off load huge amounts of saliva in my face whilst lying on asleep on a bench.
  • Punched repeatedly in the face as I waited in a dinner cue on a hospital acute ward.
  • Three counts of police torture whilst detained in custody under the mental health act.
  • Years of systematic verbal and physical threats towards my gender identity.
  • Prolific cult abuses involving around the clock stalking projecting desolation.

Every morning I wake (usually around 4am) flash backs come, images of terror revisit, the glance in my eyes averts and drags to one side, my heart races, heightened emotions exacerbate into disparity and aches and pains through my entire body rage from build up and release of lactic acid. Cognitive processes have also scrambled, I now experience time delay / slip where hyper arousal succeeds to induce blur of comprehension; a wakeful lethargy. Four years I have been diagnosed with this disorder and still I am yet to be offered / receive any treatment for it despite verbal petition to health authorities from both myself and concerned friends.

Unwell with raging anxiety & sharp hyper awareness; moving through hoping to find at least a glimmer of happiness on my 40th birthday today.  Moi – 13th May 2014

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)

Psychosomatic symptoms kept me walking non-stop up to fourteen hours each day; leaving me with an agonising and crippling foot condition named plantar fasciitis

The more trauma I received the more sensitive I became, before compartmentalisation trauma anchored itself to whatever objects were around at the time. These anchors later become triggers, encountering these anchor triggers body feels in danger, perceptions heighten, flood gates of awareness open to receive yet more corresponding anchors and so the downward spiral of generalised anxiety goes deeper and deeper. When thousands of anchors accumulate until your rationality can’t comprehend them, this is when irrational fear becomes prevalent, an invisible wall impressed upon a world you cannot reach.

Emotional Personality Disorder (borderline)

This is said to come from dysfunctional parenting due to my mothers severe mental illness I didn’t get to fully develop emotional responses throughout my childhood. Many psychiatrists have said I display classic symptoms of this yet I wasn’t aware they even existed until they described specific traits of this ‘disorder’ to me.

Self Harm

Self harm scars from where I wanted to bleed the sickness from the ritual abuses out of me.

People often commonly mistake people who self harm as a danger to others when self harm only ever turns in on oneself. I never once self harmed until targeted abuse / trauma entered my life. On acute wards in mental hospitals completely desensitised with trauma and spurred by anxiety fuelled suicidal tendencies I made huge slashes cutting deep into my forearm arms. I felt sick, infected with terrible abuses I’d endured; in sense of release I thought I could bleed this infection out of me which felt like darkness flowing through my veins. I equate self harm to the Victorian era of medicine when people use to blood let when in physical ailment, so common was this practice that people suffering illness could get blood letting done at the local barbers, this the meaning behind the spiral red and white striped tubes you’ll often see hanging outside off the wall of classic barber shops.